I Am Stepping Into The Arena
This is it. Today is the day I’m going full Russell Crowe in ‘Gladiator’.
Yesterday, pinned by my weighted blanket and wearing my Stranger Things pyjamas at 4pm, I watched the Netflix special: Brené Brown ‘The Call To Courage’. Brené Brown is a research professor who specialises in shame, and since listening to her audiobook ‘The Power of Vulnerability’ a few years back, I realised just how important it is to stay open and authentic with the people around you.
In ‘The Call To Courage’ she talks about her TedTalk from 2010, also named ‘The Power of Vulnerability’. The talk unexpectedly went viral, and to her dismay, she received awful comments from trolls regarding her work, and even her appearance.
She began to wallow — but then, in a moment of synchronicity, she came across this quote:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” — Theodore Roosevelt.
In a flash, Brené had a realisation. In her moment of clarity, she said:
“If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I am not interested in or open to your feedback. There are a million cheap seats in the world today filled with people who will never be brave with their own lives, but will spend every ounce of energy they have hurling advice and judgement at those of us trying to dare greatly. Their only contributions are criticism, cynicism, and fear-mongering. If you’re criticizing from a place where you’re not also putting yourself on the line, I’m not interested in your feedback.”
From her realisation, I had a realisation. A sort of realisation inside of a realisation. A realisation inception, if you will.
You see, I’m due to hit the big 3–0 this year. There’s a lot I’m interested in, and so much I want to do. I love acting, writing, and creating. I love helping people, and I have a huge interest in psychology. I adore spirituality, astrology, and all things magic.
Yet, I’ve been holding myself back from living the meaningful, magical life I know I could have if I embraced discomfort and went balls to the wall. Sure, I’ve been to a few acting classes, and taken part in a couple of small projects. Yes, I spent the last 8 years as a freelance copywriter (I’ll talk about this in future posts), and yes, I like to dabble in things like jewellery making and painting. But, deep down, I know I’ve been keeping myself small.
I’ve been too afraid to put myself out there, really put myself out there, to play big, paralysed with thoughts of what people will say. I’ve felt terrified of the vulnerability, ironically, forgetting all about the power in it.
I’m finally at a place in my life where I’m ready to stop flirting and sending mixed signals to the arena, and to make it mine instead. To commit to it. To own it.
Stepping into the arena could be embarrassing. I’ll make mistakes. I’ll probably wake up next week and pick apart everything I’ve said here. And as sure as Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey make it to Bethlehem, other people will criticise me.
So, what am I doing, exactly?
I’m putting myself out there online. I know ‘being online’ too much can come with its own set of issues, but I also know the importance of an online presence if you want to achieve, well, anything. So, I’m showing off the things I make, and the projects I am a part of. I’m making videos of myself talking to camera, and I’m posting them even though I can pick myself apart in 300 different ways. I’m not overthinking it.
I’m going to write. I’m not going to waste my energy writing soul-sucking keyword-stuffed business copy for 0.014p a word. I’m going to share my thoughts, stories, epiphanies, and opinions. I’m going to bare my soul to the cheap seats and wait with bated breath for that thumbs up — or thumbs down.
I’m trying new things. This weekend, for example, I’m going to complete a foundation course in Hypnotherapy. I’m doing this purely because it interests me, with no expectation of where it’s going to take me.
I’m listening to my intuition. I’m choosing different thoughts and perspectives. I’m letting go of labels, both those I have given myself, and those I have given to others. I’m allowing myself to evolve, learn, grow, to start again.
and again.
and again.
I will no longer allow things like job title, weight, age, income, or anything else to define me or mar my self-worth.
I’m letting go of judgement. I’m living in the moment. I’m finding more to be grateful for. I’m rediscovering my spirituality. I’m letting go of my pesky perfectionistic tendencies.
I know my inner critic/ego — whatever you want to call it — just wants to keep me safe, but I’m hardly going to have any cool stories to tell without the gnarly battle scars to go with them.
As Rowdy Roddy Piper said:
I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass — and I’m all outta bubblegum.
So with that, I’m stepping into the arena.
Alexa, play ‘Now We Are Free’.
